Days in the Sun





January 27th, 2008 – Wedding (2)

The movie was coming to an end, and Spike’s eyes were directed not at the telly but at the blonde whose head was resting against his chest. He had been observing her reactions during the whole film, taking note of when she smiled, when she had let out little ‘aww’ sounds, and all these other little clues. The verdict was clear. All things wedding related got Buffy’s interest, and the appearance on screen of a wedding dress was enough to get her teary eyed.

Almost two years before, the late Joyce had confided to him that Buffy, as a little girl, had always dreamed of a big wedding. He had forgotten all about that conversation for a long time, until, recently, he caught her looking as they were driving by a wedding dress shop. That quick, almost furtive glance, full of something that had looked a lot like longing, had been the source of much thinking from Spike’s part. Unable to bring himself to attack the subject without confirmation, he had rented that girly movie – the Wedding Planner – to study her reaction to it. The test seemed conclusive. And if that was what she wanted…

Nestled against her favorite unliving pillow, Buffy let out a little contented sigh as the credits started rolling. It wasn’t at all the kind of movie Spike rented when left to his own devices, and the change was nice. He hadn’t seemed to watch much of it, though. She had noticed his attention was on her most of the time.

Shifting against him, she moved up to rest her face at the crook of his neck, and he obligingly changed his hold on her, his arms now wrapped around her waist. All three children were miraculously asleep, and it was nice to enjoy a little cuddle time with the man of her life.

“Luv? Can I ask you something?”

Her only answer was a soft humming against his skin.

“Do you want to get married?”

Her eyes widened suddenly. No, she must have misunderstood. He couldn’t have asked… Or had he?

Pushing away from him so that she could see his face, she asked him to repeat. His expression was very strange, half determination, half uncertainty, as he said the same words she had heard the first time. What was he uncertain about? She had accepted when they first got engaged, hadn’t she? More than seven years before, already. They had both agreed they weren’t ready to actually get married then, but she hadn’t expected it would take him… oh… the uncertainty was growing in these too blue eyes… maybe she needed to actually answer instead of just staring at him?

“Yes,” she said in a whisper before crushing her mouth to his.

She could feel him smile against her lips as the kiss lingered, sweet battle that they both won. As they separated, she returned to her spot right against his neck, her contentment suddenly increased tenfold. She hadn’t realized how much she wanted to hear these words until he had said them.

“So”, she had to inquire after a few seconds. “What made you decide to ask? Was it the movie?”

Come to think of it, he had rented the movie, so maybe he had planned it all beforehand. Oh, planning... lots of planning to do... tons of fun to come!

“Not really the movie, pet. Just the way you reacted to it.”

“Reacted?” she repeated, somewhat dreamily.

“You mum had said you always dreamed of a nice wedding,” he explained, stroking her hair gently. “And seeing that look in your eyes when…”

Frowning, she pulled away from him once more, this time sitting down on the edge of the sofa.

“My mom?” she repeated, perplexed. “When did she say such a thing?”

He sat too, his head tilting just a little as he watched her.

“Before she passed away, luv. But she was right, wasn’t she?”

Unconsciously, Buffy nodded at his question, though her mind was far from it already. It would be two years in October that Joyce had died. And before dying, she and Spike had talked of weddings? Without Buffy ever hearing about it? And now, so many months later, he was asking?

“Why did you ask me to marry you?” she asked abruptly.

He looked at her, obviously confused by the change in attitude, and she mentally prayed that he would give an acceptable answer.

“Because you want it,” he replied, his hands taking hold of hers. “Don’t you?”

She could have screamed in frustration, but the children where asleep just above them. So she just sighed as she got to her feet, pulling her hands out of his.

“No. I don’t want it. If your only reason for marrying me is that you think that’s what I want, don’t bother asking again.”

The look in his eyes as they rose to her face clearly showed he didn’t understand, but she really didn’t feel like explaining right now. She actually didn’t feel like talking to him at all. For the first time in ages, she didn’t feel like being in the same room he was in.

“What’s wrong?” he questioned, confused. “Where are you going?”

He followed her to the entrance hall, his frown deepening as she slipped on her duster.

“I’m going on patrol,” she announced flatly, stunning him.

Before he could react, she had already passed the threshold. He caught her wrist before she could close the door.

“Luv?” he pleaded. “Wait a moment for me to call the Watcher so I can come with you, OK?”

She shook her head. “Not OK. I’m going now, and I’m going alone. I don’t feel like company.”

He let go of his hold on her, and there was such hurt on his face as he looked at her that she almost changed her mind. Almost. She reached up to lightly stroke his cheek, hoping the gesture would soften her words as she said:

“You wanted to be nice, but you’ve only proven to me that you just aren’t ready. So, no, I won’t marry you.”

Leaving him there to stand guard over the three lives they had created together, she started walking away, but a whisper stopped her.

“Buffy?”

So much in that word. All his love. All his fears. All his insecurities.

“I love you,” she said softly, looking over her shoulder. “But right now I need to go and kill something.”

Dumbfounded as much as he was pained, Spike watched his Slayer walk away from him until she had disappeared in the night. He couldn’t have said to save his unlife what he had done wrong to provoke such completely opposite reactions from her. One minute, she was agreeing to marry him, and the next she didn’t even want his presence at her side. He couldn’t have said either why in hell it had hurt just as much to hear her say no as it did to see her leave.