To see the Sun again

Chapter 4 - Free

Gathered in the living room, the Scoobies were telling the tale of how they had outsmarted the Watchers Council. Their audience was only composed of Joyce and Spike, and the latter looked ultimately bored. But they were telling the story mostly for themselves anyway, comparing their views, sharing details, one of them interrupting when another had forgotten something. Only Angel was keeping quiet.

"It was so cool the way Willow froze him" Xander said. "The look of terror on his face, that was just… cool, no other word for it. "

"I must admit that seeing Quentin scared was quite satisfying," Giles muttered with a small smile.

"Oh, that was nothing," Buffy interjected. "When he saw me, he looked ready to faint dead !"

They took turn narrating how they had been to the Watchers HQ, very easily or so it sounded. Then they had forced Quentin Travis to summon the Council.

"I loved the way Buffy talked to these guys, all threatening and angry and scary!"

The witch was actually wide eyed when saying this, as if seeing the scene again.

"Well, having you all behind me helped a lot," the Slayer replied. "A witch, two armed men and a vampire. I think a couple of them bloody soiled themselves ! "

She doesn’t even notice, Spike thought. She talks like me and doesn’t even notice it.

He glanced at Angel, and hid a smile. Angel had noticed.

Spike was holding Lisa, as he usually did whenever she was awake. Her warm fingers were wrapped around his cold one. His mind came back to the story.

"And then they all signed the pact. Of course they weren’t happy about it, with the “touch us and you all die” clause. But they did sign it !"

"And with the binding spell," Willow contributed brightly, "they will have to respect the terms of the pact, whether they want to or not. Can’t break it ! "

Giles added, while cleaning his glasses absently : "Even when they are replaced, the binding will still hold. They signed not in their own names but as Council Members in exercise. So Buffy and her family will be safe indefinitely."

"Family ?" Spike asked, an eyebrow arched.

Buffy blushed slightly, and Spike wondered whether it was at the thought that they were a family.

"Yes," the Watcher replied, unaware of Buffy’s reaction. "We tried to be as including as possible in the wording. If Buffy has other children, they will be covered, as well as Lisa’s own family when she founds one, and all of her descendants. You are covered too."

He added the last part as an afterthought, but Spike didn’t pay attention. His dead heart had just lightened at the thought that Lisa would grow up, find a mate, have children. He silently swore to the unsuspecting baby that he would be there to watch over them.

One by one, the members of the gang excused themselves to their respective beds, until Buffy remained alone with Spike. Lisa had fallen asleep again, her heart a music to Spike’s ears. Her sleeping patterns were really odd ; not that the vampire minded.

"They will go back to good old Sunnyhell the day after tomorrow," Buffy announced in a quiet voice.

He nodded, hesitating to ask about her plans. They had never talked about what they would do when finally free of their movements.

"If you don’t mind," she said after a short silence, "Lisa and I will stay here a while longer. She’s too young to travel by plane yet."

She had added the last bit too quickly, Spike thought.

"I don’t mind, Slayer, you know that. You might as well know that I’ll be going with you when you return home. "

"To be with Lisa. "

"Of course pet. For Lisa. "

He was lying, by omission at the very least, and she knew it, but she pretended to believe him.

Again, the silence. To him, it was only broken by his daughter’s heartbeat and Buffy’s. Buffy’s sounded faster than usual. He watched her carefully, trying to read through her body language what was upsetting her, failing.

"Tell me what’s wrong luv ? "

She bit her bottom lip absentmindedly.

"I don’t know. You’re different, Spike. That’s what they were all telling me tonight, how different you seem. "

"You admitted yourself that I’ve changed a while ago, Buffy. Does it make it more true that they see it too ? "

She shivered when she heard him say her name. It was so rare that he called her Buffy. And when he did, his voice was always so soft, as if he was putting all his love in a simple word.

"I don’t know," she said at last. "That they see it just confirms what I thought."

"And what is it you thought ?" he pressed on.

She eluded the question.

"Why did you change ? "

"You know why. But if you want to hear it again, fine. I love you. And I love the lil’ bit. If acting nice allows me to be with you both, then I’ll play the game. Hell, I’ll even turn into a bloody nancy boy if that’s what you want me to be. "

He sounded bitter. She frowned and shook her head.

"I don’t want… "

"What do you want then ?" he cut her.

She took a deep breath.

"I want to take this slow. We both changed. I don’t know how much I have, how much what I feel has changed. Just give me time. "

"Time for what, Slayer ? "

A thin thread of hope was shining in his voice. She stood, and, coming to him, gave him a chaste kiss, just lips pressing together, before kissing her sleeping daughter’s forehead.

"Time to see if it is love that I feel for you. "

She left the room and he stayed there, smiling stupidly at the baby in his arm. For the first time, his Slayer was giving him the hope he had all but given up on. He would wait. He had all the time in the world in front of him. Yet he silently implored her not to take too long.

The next day, Giles took advantage of an unusually nice weather to take the Americans for a guided tour of London. The weather also meant that Spike was stuck home. With Angel. They reacted to the situation like the grown men they were - by avoiding each other.

Confined to the nursery / guestroom, Angel was trying to find reasons not to kill Spike, which was rather difficult. Whatever the humans said, he believed with all his cursed soul that Spike had not changed one bit, and that it was all an act. He knew intimately how well Spike could act. Yet, why ?

The day before, the peroxided vampire had claimed he would stay with Buffy and the child, as if it would be enough for him. Angel could not believe it would ever be enough. It hadn’t been enough for him. Of course, by then, there was no baby, not even the possibility for one. He had accepted long ago that he would never father a child like a human could, that the closest he would get to one was a Childe. But now, the mere existence of Lisa reopened a wound he had thought long healed.

That Spike, of all vampires, was the father, only added insult to injury.

In the kitchen, Spike was cooking what he hoped would be a great dinner. It was either occupying his mind and hands with that or turning into a brooding poof. There was already one too many of these in the house as far as he was concerned. He hoped that cooking a nice meal for his human guests would favorably impress them. Buffy had said the night before that they had commented on his change, and he sure as hell intended to give them more to comment about. His mind fluttered a moment on what else she had said. A silly grin was back on his face, quickly wiped out when his
nose caught the burnt smell.

"Bloody hell ! "

In front of him, the bechamel sauce he had stopped beating had boiled over and was burning on the stove. Cursing himself for his lack of attention, he quickly cleaned the mess and started melting butter again.

Walking through the crowded London streets, the Scoobies, plus Joyce - who absolutely refused to let go off Lisa - were following Giles. The Watcher had stopped a while ago his historic commentaries about the city. No one had asked him to continue. Americans…

To Buffy’s embarrassment, Spike had given her a fat strap of bills when they had left the house, insisting that it was the first time in a year she could actually go out and buy something for herself. Buffy had shared the money with her friends and Giles, after arguing with them that they had come all this way for her and deserved a treat. To her surprise and delight, they had decided on the spot to give her the baby shower the Watchers Council had never thought about throwing for her.

The day had been long, with a lot of walking, a lot of shopping, and a lot of laughs. As they were slowly returning to Spike’s house, all carrying too many packages, Giles took Buffy apart from the others. The matter was delicate and needed to be addressed. However, how to attack the question was a tricky problem.

"Buffy, we need to talk about the prophecy. "

"Sure Giles. What about it ? "

"Well, as you know, I had a look at it yesterday… "

A look that lasted about half an hour. And you took notes. I bet you memorized it too.

"Does it say anything more about Lisa ? More than the soul and super strength thing ?"

She hated to admit she had been relieved when Giles had told her about that part of the prophecy. She had loved her daughter before she knew whether she had a soul or not, but knowing that she did was somehow comforting. Which did not really simplify the ‘Spike’ problem.

Something that Giles had said brought her back to him.

"Come again ? "

"I said, the prophecy tells about three children. "

"Three ? "

"Three. Have you… with Spike… again..? "

"No ! We don’t… Haven’t… "

Her cheeks were burning. She felt slightly better when she saw that Giles was just as embarrassed as she was.

"Well, I thought you ought to know. In case, hmm, … The wording is somewhat cryptic, like in any good prophecy. The council interpreted that he needs to drink from you so that you can conceive. My own interpretation would be that you both need to drink the other’s blood while you, hmm, … "

"Ok, got it," she interrupted him quickly. "But you know it’s not going to happen again anyway. "

He looked at her sideways but did not reply. After all this time, she should know better about Prophecies and their way to be fulfilled whether you liked them or not.

They walked in silence for a little while, but she could tell he had more to say.

"Go ahead, Giles. What else are you choking on ? "

He was surprised that she had noticed his discomfort. The Buffy he remembered would have been oblivious. He looked at her thoughtfully, hesitating to probe more. He wasn’t sure he had a right to uncover any more of her sentimental life.

"Buffy, you don’t have to answer if you don’t feel like it, but… I’m wondering… what is there exactly between you and Spike ? I don’t know if you’re aware of it, but you two are acting like a couple. It’s startling."

She mouthed the word silently. Couple.

"I don’t know if we’re a couple, Giles, We’ve just been forced to coexist for a year. It’s been hard at times. But I guess we both got used to it. Got used to each other. I would never have thought I’d say that some day, but I trust him."

Giles nodded but did not comment. They had been through an extremely stressing situation together, it was normal that some kind of bond had been created.

"I asked because there’s a last thing I think you should know. The prophecy doesn’t call for Spike to be the one. From what I understand, the Council hesitated between Spike and Angel. They settled on Spike because of the chip, and also because of the happiness loophole in Angel’s soul."

Buffy shrugged.

"Yeah, I guess having him kill me the morning after would have been kind of hard on the pregnancy part. "

More quietly, she added : "Don’t tell them about that. Ever. I don’t know how either of them would react, and I don’t think I want to know."

The evening was… surprising. Spike, the evil soulless vampire, had cooked a five courses meal,concluded by a pie and some French champagne. Even more surprisingly, he had been utterly civil with Angel, though his Sire had not returned the courtesy. Apart from the older vampire, the guests had enjoyed the evening. Xander had even complimented Spike, and had almost choked to death when realizing what he had just done. Willow didn’t seem to share his scruples, and neither did Joyce, as they profusely praised his cooking. Giles was for the most part silent, studying the vampire, trying to decide if Buffy’s trust was well placed.

It was the last evening of her friends and mom in England, and Buffy was thankful to Spike for making it special. At the end of the dinner, she made eye contact with him and raised her champagne glass. He returned the salute with an almost imperceptible smile.

Later in the evening, as Angel had retreated to his bedroom and Giles had gone out to meet with some old friends, Joyce joined Spike in the kitchen. He was finishing to wash the dishes, alone, having insisted for Buffy and the others to just spend some time together.

"Hey grandma," the vampire said with a smirk.

She returned the smile, still amazed by the fact that she now had a granddaughter. Whose father happened to be a vampire. She sat at the table, observing him quietly.

"Care for an extra slice of pie ? "

He didn’t listen to her feeble refusal and served her, as well as himself, some pie and champagne, before sitting across her. They munched on the dessert, making small talk about London, the dinner, Lisa. Buffy.

"She seems happy," Joyce commented.

Spike did not reply ; it wasn’t a question.

"You take good care of her. "

"I try. "

"Thank you. "

The clinked their glasses, silently toasting to Buffy.

Willow’s frightened shout rose from the living room, and Spike’s instinct took over. Faster than any human, he rushed out of the kitchen, game face slipping on thoughtlessly. His eyes searched for the cause of the outcry, but he found no intruder. No threat to Lisa or her mother. Instead, he saw the shocked look on Xander’s face, the apology in Willow’s eyes, the faint annoyance in Buffy’s pinched lips.

"No reason to get all grrrr, Spike. Lisa just startled us. "

He took a longer look at his daughter, noticing she wore the telltale mask, just like him. Ignoring Buffy’s words, he did not push the vampire appearance away when he gently but firmly took the child from her mother. She let him have her, and he returned to the kitchen, almost bumping into Joyce. She took a step back, clearly afraid, and he suppressed a growl. Stepping around her, he opened the fridge and retrieved a bag of blood. He poured half of it in a baby bottle and the rest in a mug, then warmed both in the microwave. He was aware of Joyce still behind him, could almost feel her eyes on his back. He turned toward her, wanting her to see him feeding the blood to Lisa. He was surprised to find the fear gone from her eyes, then astonished when she took both the baby and the bottle from him and sat down to do her grandmother duty. Only then did he shift back to his human face. He sipped his share of the blood absentmindedly, grateful for Joyce’s lack of revulsion. Before half the bottle had been drained, Lisa shifted too.

"You can stop now," he said quietly. "She doesn’t need much."

She put the bottle away, still cradling the baby.

"Will she always need it ? "

Spike took another sip, considering her question.

"‘Don’t know," he said finally. "She’s been drinking less and less of it since she was born. Buffy didn’t want to let her drink any at all at first. But when she changes, giving her blood is the only way to have her change back. "

He winced at the memory of how they had found out. For a little more than five long hours, Lisa had been in game face, wailing now and then like a lost kitten. Spike had finally fed her his own blood, since Buffy refused to let him anywhere near the fridge. They hadn’t talked for two days after that. Yet Buffy had given up on her no blood policy. He thought she had realized that refusing the baby what she craved was tantamount to torture.

"Spike… I think you’ll make a great dad for my granddaughter. "

He felt oddly proud at Joyce’s compliment and hid a smile in his cup. That’s when he noticed that Buffy was standing by the kitchen’s door, a strange look in her eyes.

Locking the door behind her, Buffy shed Spike’s wet duster. She had had to plead for him to let her borrow the thing. At time she could swear he loved the thing more than he did her or Lisa. She was glad she had insisted though, because the dark clouds that had been menacing all morning had finally broken into a real flooding just as she left the airport.

Her friends and mom were gone, and there she remained with her child and the child’s father. Her family ? That’s what she intended to find out. She missed the others already, but she needed time alone with him, to see the kind of man he could be for her. And what she could be for him.

She entered the living room and let herself fall in an armchair. Spike was lying on the sofa, Lisa cradled against his chest, both apparently asleep. Both purring.

She felt a tingle of jealousy. Lisa rarely ever purred for her. And Spike had not since the night they had conceived the baby. She realized with a bit of a shock that she wished he would purr for her just as much as she wanted her daughter to. She wished he would hold her as tenderly as he held the baby. She wished he would let her sleep against his chest. She wished…

She shook her head, trying to stop that train of thought. She had to think clearly if she was to figure out what it was she felt for the vampire. Then it struck her. She might already have her answer.

Silently, she took her boots off and tiptoed closer to the sofa. Carefully, she climbed over Spike and laid her body against his, her head resting just next to Lisa’s on his unstirring chest. His purring stopped for a second, then started again, as his arm found its way around her waist.

Still half asleep, Spike wondered whether this was a dream or if the Slayer was really in his arms. Of her own free will. Smiling at the thought, he left himself drift back into sleep.

"So luv, what did your mom say on the phone ? "

Buffy’s arm looped in his right arm, Lisa sitting on the left, strolling in his native London on a beautiful evening, the vampire could hardly have been happier. Well, he knew a couple of ways Buffy could have made his happiness complete. Admitting she loved him was one. Sharing his bed was another. But he had said he would wait as much time as she needed. In the meantime, he was enjoying greatly the simple pleasures they had been sharing for the last three months. Their daily evening walk, weather permitting, was one of them.

"She just wanted to know how we all are, whether I’ve staked you yet or not. "

He laughed briefly. She seemed to threaten to stake him about once a day, but he had often pointed out that she did not even have a stake in the house.

"Anything else, pet ? You stayed on the phone quite a while. "

"She just wanted to know if we’re coming home soon. "

He fought the urge to say that they were home ; he knew she missed her friends, as well as Joyce.

"We can go back, Slayer. If you want to. "

She kept silent a little while, and he tried very hard not to turn his face to hers, afraid of what he might see there.

"Soon," she said at last.

"Beginning to like London ? "

"Actually, yes. Quite a change from Sunnyhell. The demons are more civilized !"

Again, he laughed, and this time she laughed with him.

"Spike ? "

"Yes luv ? "

She bit her bottom lip nervously.

"Will you always be like this ? "

"Like what, luv ? "

"You know… "

He stopped walking and looked at her intently.

"No pet, I don’t know. Tell me what I’m like. "

"Patient. Understanding. Loving. "

His expression fluttered between surprise and cockiness, before settling on his usual smirk. "I’ve been called many things in my unlife, Slayer, but these, I think it’s a first ! Not sure if I should feel touched or insulted ! "

She punched him lightly, and he faked a groan of pain.

"Hey, no beating of the vampire while he’s holding a baby. "

"Does that mean I can beat you up later ? "

"Hmm, I like the sound of that ! "

She tried to kick him this time, but he avoided her booted foot easily. Shifting Lisa to hold her more securely, he ran a little ahead of the Slayer, eliciting laughter from his daughter. Holding her above his head, he spinned quickly, just to hear her laugh again. Buffy came near, smiling as brightly as he was at the baby’s reaction. They walked back home in silence.

Later that night, he realized he hadn’t answered her question. He quietly went to her room. The door was open, as it always was. She said she wanted to be able to hear if Lisa cried, even though Spike slept next to her.

He stood by the door for a little while, listening to her breathing, thinking she was asleep.

"Spike ? "

Her voice stopped her as he was returning to his room.

"Yes luv. "

"Is Lisa ok ? "

"Yes, lil’ bit is fine. Sleeping. "

She kept quiet, and he took that as a cue to tell her why he was there.

"Just wanted to answer your question, Slayer. I can promise I’ll always be loving. ‘Cause I love you, and when I love it’s forever. I’ll probably be understanding too. It took me long enough to realize what it was that I felt for you, so I can understand you needing time. But I can’t promise I’ll always be patient, luv. I’ll try to be as long as I can. But you need to know… "

He paused, and she urged him on.

"Know what, Spike ? "

"Living with you is a dream, Buffy. I’m happier than I ever remember being. But at the same time, it’s torture. Every day. Being so close to you, and not daring to touch you. Or to take you in my arms. Because I don’t know if you’re going to let me or push me away. Because I don’t want to scare you, and sometimes I think it would scare you if you knew how much I love you. How much I want you. "

He snapped his mouth shut ; to his own ears, his voice sounded desperate. He hoped she did not think that too.

He heard her, more than he saw, getting out of bed and coming to him. She stood very close to him, and he felt the urge to retreat before he lost control of himself. Yet, he remained still. He almost jumped when her hands slipped under his housecoat and made contact with the bare skin of his chest. The loosely tied belt came undone, and she stepped closer to his nude body, pressing herself against him.

"I want you too," she whispered.

That was the encouragement he had been waiting for. His arms closed around her, his hands rubbing her back through the silk of her nightgown. His mouth found her face, leaving a burning trail of kisses on her forehead, her nose, her cheek, before connecting with her lips. His tongue asked, and was granted entrance. Gently at first, then with more force, he probed her mouth, her tongue dueling with his. Meanwhile, his hands came up to her shoulders, and pulled the thin straps that held her gown off. The clothing slid down her body, pooling at her feet. She broke the kiss, taking a step back, and he growled in frustration. Her hands pushed the open housecoat off his shoulders, trailing for a second against his chest. She found his hand, and led him to the bed.

Lying on his side next to her, Spike let his hand fly over her body, barely touching her. Quickly, she moaned and arched her back, trying to increase the touch. He obliged her, his mouth descending on one breast while his hand closed on the other. His tongue was torturing her, flicking the nipple
teasingly. She locked her hands in his hair and pulled him closer, asking for more. His teeth gently tugged on the hard nipple, sending a bolt of light straight to her core. Tentatively, his mouth closed around the breast and he sucked on, getting his reward.

"You bad vampire," she groaned, "stealing milk from a baby’s mouth."

His face came up to hers, and though she couldn’t see, she was ready to bet he was grinning at her.

"What can I say, luv. I’m evil after all. "

She moaned as his fingers pinched simultaneously both her nipples. His mouth licked a path to her neck, and he nibbled with blunt teeth, fighting back the demon who wanted to taste her again.

"Spike… "

He heard more in her voice than his name. He heard her desire, her need.

He gasped as her small hand gently grasped his erection and rubbed it against her wet entrance. She led him, and he slid in easily, sparks flying in front of his eyes. She was as hot as he was cold.

"Burning as hell," he growled.

He started rocking, ever so slowly, but her legs locked behind him and forced him to increase his pace. His mouth returned to her breast, licking, biting, teasing without mercy.

She cried wordlessly as she felt herself getting close. His mouth left her skin as his hand sneaked to her clit.

"Buffy, love… Come for me… "

His voice pushed her over the edge, her body shaking with the release. As her inner walls tightened around him, he felt himself lose control over the demon. He shifted to game face as he came, his fangs sinking at the junction of her neck and shoulder. She held his head against her neck as he drank deeply, moaning from pleasure more than from pain. Her body remembered the first time they had made love, the power she had felt when tasting his blood. Her teeth sank into his shoulder, drawing a trickle of blood onto her tongue. He growled against her neck.

He forced himself to shift back before drawing too much, licking slowly at the twin wounds he had inflicted, then rolled both of them so that they were on their side, facing each other, though it was too dark for either to see anything.

His fingers caressed her face, pushing the hair away, brushing against closed eyelids, finding her lips. Discovering a smile.

He pulled her closer, and his arm sneaked around her waist, tracing random patterns on her back.

"I love you Slayer. "

She did not say a word.

For the longest time, he remained awake, staring at the dark, wondering whether she had consciously not replied in kind, or whether she had already been asleep.

Waiting for his ladies to finally come downstairs, Spike pulled on his tie.

"Slayer, the taxi will be here in a minute, get your cute arse down here !"

No reply came. Not that he expected one.

Pacing around the living room, he started thinking about how they had arrived there. It had started with trying to kill each other. The Dance, he called it. Then they made very unlikely allies. Later, they made a baby. Then lived together. Then started shagging again. And now they were dating.

Not really the order things were supposed to go through in a normal relationship. But after all, neither of them was normal, and the fact that they were together was a complete aberration in itself.

He turned around just in time to see her walking down the last steps. She grinned at the look on his face.

"Close your mouth, Spike, before you swallow a fly. "

Buffy was wearing an ankle-length black dress that was molding her petite frame perfectly. Her shoulders were bare, but the front of the dress came up to her neck, encircling it, very conveniently hiding bite marks. Her hair was pined up, with a few free strands framing her face. She handed him Lisa, all dressed up in a cute blue outfit that mirrored her eyes. Her hands now free, Buffy wrapped a length of red silk on her shoulders. His gaze had not left her since she had entered the room.

"Will you say something ?" she asked, getting uncomfortably self aware.

He blinked a couple of times, and gave her a mischievous smile.

"How ‘bout we skip dinner and we shag now ? "

She faked a pout.

"After taking all this time to get ready you just want to stay here ? "

"Not really. But I wish I could keep the sight of you all for myself. "

His free arm pulled her tight and he kissed her, a deep, tender kiss. When he let go of her lips, her heart was beating considerably faster.

Trying to regain her composure, she fussed with his tie, tightening it.

God, he’s so bleeding gorgeous when he dresses up. ‘Wonder if I can get him to wear that kind of stuff more often… Of course, he’s just as gorgeous all the time… Even wearing nothing at all…

"Hey, careful Slayer, you’re going to choke me. "

"You can’t choke, already dead, remember ? "

His fingers grazed against her cheek.

"Actually," he said very quietly, "you kind of make me forget about the dead part."

A car honking prevented Buffy from answering. Which was good, because she had no idea what to answer to that.

"Taxi’s here. Let’s go. "

Spike grabbed the baby’s bag and swung it other his shoulder. He opened the door for her, being the perfect gentleman. When she passed in front of him however, he squeezed her butt and she glared at him before stepping into the waiting Rolls Royce.

"I can’t believe you rented the whole restaurant !"

Back to their home, several hours later, Buffy was still under the charm.

Spike just shrugged, continuing to rub her bare toes. He was sitting on the floor, in front of her, absorbed in the feel of her skin.

"‘T was the only way to have Lisa with us. "

His hands moved on her ankles, sliding the dress up a little.

"If we were back in Sunnyhell," Buffy said hesitantly, "we could have left her with my mom."

The dress was sliding higher under his gentle tug. He coaxed her to raise her hips from the couch until the fabric was gathered around her waist.

"No good restaurants in Sunnyhell," he replied absently.

His mouth brushed against her bare knee, and she shivered.

"Not true. There are some good… restaurants in… in Sunny… ooohhh…"

His lips went from caressing the inside of her thighs to pressing against her black lace panties. She groaned when his head pulled away from between her legs to look at her face.

"If you want to go back, luv, you just need to say so. "

She tried to focus on his words, which was hard with his hands playing on her legs.

"Go back. Yes. I think I want to. "

"Give me a couple of weeks to take care of some business and then we will leave. OK ?"

She only nodded, biting her lips. He had sneaked his fingers under the panties, his thumb giving some deserved attention to her pulsating clit while his index and middle fingers were slowly sliding in and out of her moist opening. She whimpered as he rubbed a particularly sensitive spot, and he smiled, accentuating the pressure. A few seconds later, she was throwing her head back and crying his name.

After a couple more teasing strokes, he withdrew his fingers from her and licked her juices off, his eyes twinkling as he caught her gaze. Without a word, he pulled her in his arms and carried her to the bedroom. The night was still young.

Spooned against Buffy’s back, his arms wrapped possessively around her, Spike purred. She sighed heavily at the sound.

"Wish I could do that too. "

His lips pressed against her silk hair.

He had decided to tell her that night, but now he hesitated, not wanting to break a perfect moment of peace. She finally pushed him by asking : "A penny for your thoughts ? "

He took a deep unneeded breath and gently turned her so that she was facing him. He could barely see the outline of her face, and would have given a lot to be able to see her eyes. They told him so much about her thoughts, they usually helped him to find the good words or avoid treacherous paths.

"Buffy… Do you trust me ? "

He heard the smile in her voice more than he saw it.

"If I didn’t trust you, I wouldn’t be here. "

He kissed her lips lightly.

"Would you still trust me if the chip was gone ? "

He felt her tense. Not a good sign.

"Why do you ask ? "

She hadn’t answered. Even worst sign.

"I’ve been thinking a lot. If were ever attacked again by the Council, I would be totally useless. Unable to protect you and the nibblet. "

She held him tight, not liking where this conversation was headed.

"They can’t hurt us any more. "

"What if it’s someone else," he insisted. "What if a thief breaks in and I can’t do nothing because he’s human ? "

"Spike, what is this all about ? "

He heard in her voice that she was afraid. He hated himself for that, but still told her.

"I found someone to remove the chip. A doctor, specializes in demons and such. Took an appointment to have it done. In a week. "

In a flash, she was out of his embrace and out of the bed. She turned on the light, and, naked, started pacing furiously. He watched her in silence, waiting for the explosion. It came fast.

"You’re not doing that ! You don’t need to ! If anyone tries to hurt us I can take them ! "

He shook his head.

"What if you’re not there ? I need to be able to protect her. And you. And myself."

He saw tears begin to slide down her cheeks, and it made him angry. Both at himself and at her.

"Bloody hell, Slayer, I will be the same, with or without the damn chip ! "

"What if you’re not ?" she yelled back. "What if you start killing again, Big Bad and all ? How would I explain to Lisa I had to stake her father because it’s my duty to kill nasty vampires ?"

As if saying her name had been a summon, Lisa started wailing, and Buffy went to her room. Spike jumped out of the bed and got dressed. Passing in front of the nursery, he watched for a second a crying Buffy feeding a bottle of milk to the baby. Cursing, he stalked out of the house, hoping the cool air of the night would calm him. He had expected Buffy to be reticent, but not like that. And what angered - and hurt - him the most was that she hadn’t even considered the possibility that he could be chip-less without returning to his killing habits. Didn’t she know, by now ? Didn’t she understand yet that he had wasn’t the same vampire who first came to Sunnyhell years back ? For her he wouldn’t feed off humans again. Well, apart from her of course. There was no doubt in his mind. He couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing her, and returning to his old feeding ways would do just that. But he needed to know he could protect his ladies if he had to.

For hours, he walked about the sleeping London. As morning approached, rain started falling. When he arrived home he was drenched, having forgotten his duster as he left the house precipitately.

He went to the bedroom, ready to apologize and explain to her better, make her understand she would still be able to trust him after.

She wasn’t there.

He checked on Lisa.

Gone too.

Frantic, he searched each room, before finally coming back to the bedroom. He noticed what he hadn’t seen the first time. The drawers where she kept her clothes were open, and empty.

Realization sank in, and he just let himself glide to the floor.