Choices

From where he stood, just on the edge of the circle of laughing friends, Spike was observing his Childe, and wondering how in hell he was going to get through to her and understand what was going on in her mind when she herself didn’t even seem to know. He was now convinced that he couldn’t let her do as she pleased as he had so far and just hope that she would resolve on her own whatever matters were preoccupying her. Because it was clear that it was only getting worse, not better. He had noticed, in recent nights, that she was taking less blood from him when they shared, and if by itself it wasn’t alarming, combined to all the rest it suddenly made too much sense. She was going to drive herself insane if she kept on this way. At some point, the demon in her would snap and take over, soul or no soul, and they would all be more than sorry if that happened. A souled but crazed vampire Buffy would certainly have nothing to envy from soulless but sane vampire Buffy.

As lost in his thoughts as he was, he still noticed when Buffy and Dawn excused themselves from the room, and couldn’t help but wonder what was going on with these two. He shot a glance at Steven, who looked particularly mournful – no, not mournful, broody, and enough so to make his father proud – and decided that whatever it was, it had to deal with him. There was just no way to talk to him alone right then, though, not with the two Summers ladies already gone, it just would have looked very weird to the Scoobies. The two women were soon back, however, Buffy looking pensive, and Dawn confused and as mournful as her boyfriend.

Excusing himself to their friend by saying he needed a smoke, Spike caught Steven’s eye with a raised eyebrow and a tiny nod before going to the backyard. For a moment, he thought that Steven had not understood the invitation, but he finally came out after a few minutes. Sitting on the steps, he didn’t say a word as the kid started pacing in front of him, a habit he knew Steven had picked up from him. He had a slight limp on his right leg – that was new. Spike had already finished his fag when the kid spoke at last.

“She’s angry with me.”

Lighting another cigarette, Spike took a first drag on it before he asked: “Why?”

Steven kicked at a stone as he answered. “Because I got hurt and she got scared.”

“She got scared so now she’s angry,” Spike repeated, more for himself than for Steven. “Typical of the Summers women. How did you get hurt?”

Finally stopping his pacing, the young man came to sit next to the vampire and sighed. “We had this case. Very well organized gang of vamps, didn’t just kill but kidnapped people and used them as cattle. So we all went there…”

Spike’s head turned sharply to Steven, who held his hands up soothingly as he continued.

“All except Dawn, of course, and we did what we had to do. And I just got hurt. It wasn’t that bad, I’ve been hurt worse than that before, but she had never been there to see it until now.”

“Hence the getting scared part,” Spike said with a nod. “She suddenly realized that you’re not as good a fighter as you pretend to be.”

“Hey!” Steven protested loudly, before picking up on the teasing upturn of Spike’s lips.

“If I’m not that good,” he retorted with a smug smile, “maybe it’s because my teachers weren’t that great either.”

Spike chuckled at that. “Touché.”

The smile disappeared as Steven sighed again. “She hasn’t really said it, but I know she wants me to stop working with Dad.”

Spike ground the cigarette stub in the ashtray he kept on the deck just for that and observed the young man at his side thoughtfully. He looked downright miserable.

“And what do you want?” he asked after a few seconds.

Steven was staring at the space in front of him, but Spike doubted that he was seeing anything of the backyard.

“I want her not to be angry,” he said quietly. “I want things to be fine again between us.”

“So you’re going to find another job?”

With a sad smile, the human shook his head. “It’s not that easy. I can’t just quit like that.”

“Why not?”

Frowning, Steven turned his face to look at Spike, and the vampire returned the frown. What reason could he possibly have to risk losing the only girl he had ever been interested in?

“What do you mean, why not?” he asked, confused. “I thought if anyone could understand me it would be you.”

“Well, sorry to disappoint, but I don’t get it,” Spike admitted ruefully. “You like the fight, I know that, but it’s not a reason…”

“It’s not the reason at all,” Steven interrupted him. “Yes I like it, but even if I didn’t it wouldn’t change a thing. I can’t quit because this is what I was born to do. It’s not for me to decide whether to fight or not. The fight is my life.”

“Your father is a wanker,” Spike announced as he got to his feet and came to stand in front of Steven. “I don’t know what nonsense he shoved into…”

“It’s not him,” Steven cut in impatiently. “It’s not Angel.”

“Where did you get that stupid idea, then?” the vampire asked, annoyed.

“There’s nothing stupid about it,” Steven protested as he stood too. “That’s what Holz told me, and it makes sense. Why else would two vampires give birth to a child, if not to work on repairing the wrongs they did?”

“Oh, sure, we all know how reliable Holz was, don’t we?” Spike commented with a roll of his eyes.

The young man’s posture changed, suddenly very defensive and tense, and Spike raised his hands in an appeasing gesture, regretting from having talked without thinking first.

“Sorry, kid,” he tried to calm him. “I don’t want to be mean, but let’s face it, all that man taught you had one goal and one goal only, and that was to destroy Angel. You managed to see past that to make your own opinion of the poof, now would be the time to do the same thing about yourself.”

The rising anger disappeared from Steven’s features, to be replaced by pure confusion.

“But it’s what I am,” he insisted. “Fighter for the light. A male Slayer. Cordy said so.”

“Cordelia says what her bosses want her to say,” Spike commented, getting more and more animated as he spoke. “Her bosses want you to fight, and the best way for that is to have you think that you have no choice in the matter. But there’s always a choice. Nothing is ever set in stone. Hell, look at me! Soulless vampire. And what do I spend my time doing? Training Slayers and fighting the same fight as you do. Does that mean I became a vampire for that purpose? Please! I’ve killed more people than I’ll probably ever be able to make up for, and I could add to the numbers if I wanted. The thing is, I don’t want to. I choose not to. Not because it’s my destiny or something equally poncy, but because it’s my choice. And you have the same choice. I’m not telling you to change sides and fight for the other guys. All I’m saying is that if you fight, it should be because you want to, because you choose, consciously, for your own reasons, to do so. Not because you think that’s what someone else decided you had to do.”

Spike had started pacing during his tirade, and as it came to an end he stopped in front of Steven once more. And noticed, behind the kid, behind the screen door, his Childe. He had been aware that she was close by, but caught in his discussion with Steven he had not realized that she was right there. She turned away before he could make eye contact with her, and he could only wonder what hid behind her perplexed face.

“Let’s suppose you’re right,” Steven said, bringing back the vampire’s attention to him. “I’m not saying I agree with you, but let’s just pretend for a minute. That doesn’t help me with Dawn in the slightest.”

“What?”

Spike cocked his head as he looked at the kid, wondering where he was going with that line of thinking.

“I mean, if I tell her I won’t stop fighting because I don’t want to, it will sound worse to her than saying it’s my destiny.”

“Unless you say it a bit better than that,” Spike replied with a faint grin. “Why exactly would you keep fighting if it wasn’t to fulfill a so called destiny?”

Steven’s brow furrowed at the question. “Why?” he repeated. “Because it’s the right thing to do. Because people should be safe and I can help them be safe.”

“People? So you’re fighting only for strangers?”

A small smile crept on Steven’s lips as he seemed to understand what Spike was saying. “For strangers, but also for her. Mostly for her. And our kids when we...”

“Wait a minute there!” Spike interrupted him, alarmed. “What kids? You’re both two young to have kids!”

Steven laughed, and clapped a hand on his elder’s shoulder. “Keep telling yourself that,” he chuckled. “But it will happen eventually, you know.”

The vampire had a lopsided grin. “Yeah, I know,” he said softly. “And talking about kids, we should go back inside for that baby shower, huh?”

Buffy was in the kitchen, getting more refreshments for the gang, when the voices from outside caught her attention. She had noticed that Steven had followed Spike outside, and had supposed they would be having the same kind of conversation as she had just had with Dawn. But as she came by the door to hear better, she realized that it wasn’t the same discussion, far from it. Where she had tried to show Dawn that Steven’s life was all about a mission and that she had to accept that, Spike was trying to convince Steven of exactly the opposite.

Choices? Who ever had choices? She didn’t. She had a duty to fulfill, she was the Slayer, and that was the end of it as far as she was concerned.

She realized something else, as she listened to her Mate talk about his own supposed choices. He didn’t believe that he truly had a role to play in this giant game of chess. And he didn’t really believe in his own redemption. He had killed more people than he could make up for, he had said. Was that what he truly believed? If it was, why was he bothering to keep up fighting? Oh, she knew the answer to that, alright. For her. Because he had promised. He was fighting down his demon to be by her side, and she was doing the same thing to keep being the Slayer. That was just about the one choice she had.

As he had apparently finished ranting, she realized that he had noticed that she was there. She turned away and went back to her refreshments, and tried to just forget about what she had heard him say. He was wrong. The only choices they had were small ones, about details. When it came to the big questions, fight or not, evil or good, the path was set for them to follow. That was why it was so important for her to be the Slayer. Because it was so much more than she was, because, as Min had said, it was an honor, that she had to be worthy of. And as such, she owed it to whoever had chosen her to do her best, to be the best she could.